thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
