Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
