I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
