I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
