Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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