im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
