In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
