WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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