I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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