So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
