If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
