I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
