Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
