when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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