she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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