Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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