apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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