Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
