what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
