i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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