And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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