I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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