I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Success! We fucked roommates!
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