Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
