Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
