i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
