mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
