Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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