thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
