Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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