This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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