is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
