I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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