how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize