as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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