...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
