I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
