i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
