Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize