your parents love me but you hate me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
