So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i think i just lost a toe
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
