My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
