I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
