Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I cut my penus on the lid.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
there is glitter all over my balls
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
