we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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