walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
