I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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