If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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