I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
