he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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