You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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