**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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