Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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