I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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