I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
